| 12th September Anno Domini 1942 |
[Apr. 2nd, 2008|01:05 am] |
"Reproach hath broken my heart; and I am full of heaviness: and I looked for some to take pity, but there was none; and for comforters, but I found none." (Psalms 69:20)
The world has fallen into darkness and despair. The people cower beneath the streets of the city, and I hide here with them.
I am a man of God, or fancied myself one; I should comfort them, but I do not know how.
Did I ever? |
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| 25th August Anno Domini 1942 |
[Jun. 17th, 2006|04:43 pm] |
“Midway upon the journey of our life I found myself within a forest dark, For the straight-forward pathway had been lost.” (Inf. I, 1-3)
It is evening on the second day after Goyle left me in the woods and I am no closer to finding my way out than I was then. Nor have I returned any of my post. It is hard to find words to say to my sister, still harder for the Widow Vieira. What strange place has my soul found itself in if both have found the purchase needed to shame me utterly? |
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| August 22nd, Anno Domini 1942 |
[Apr. 12th, 2006|01:13 am] |
“And hide not thy face from thy servant; for I am in trouble: hear me speedily.” (Psalms 69:17)
I find myself in agreement with Poppy. Though this is not a sign of the Apocalypse, it should be.
There is a part of me that wishes not to go to the ceremony tomorrow, as I know it is thoroughly pagan. Yet I will go, because I wish to behold my sister for myself. |
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| August 21st, Anno Domini 1942 |
[Mar. 30th, 2006|09:44 pm] |
“How then comfort ye me in vain, seeing in your answers there remaineth falsehood?” (Job 21:34)
Either Father lied to me about my sister's death, or that a damned homunculus has been put in her place. I would not put it past that blasted pack of sodomites, except the only other person to lead a rade would be the boy and he was not leading. I should have rung the bloody bells to spite them. |
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| August 17th, Anno Domini 1942 |
[Feb. 16th, 2006|01:56 am] |
“Although affliction cometh not forth of the dust, neither doth trouble spring out of the ground.” (Job 5:6)
Vieira’s letter, which he no doubt intended to reassure me, is not reassuring at all. In fact it is the opposite. I distrust Casaubon’s involvement in their friendship.
Whatever has caused Frank to dash out of the house so suddenly is likely not to be good. |
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| August 15th, Anno Domini 1942 |
[Jan. 21st, 2006|10:48 pm] |
“Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.” (Exodus 20:12)
Is there anything half so aggravating as an adolescent?
It would make perverse sense, somehow, that as soon as one ceases to be such a plague upon my sanity—and not the least my dignity—the other would start. Nonetheless, I shall be very grateful once both of them are well away at school. |
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| August 14th, Anno Domini 1942 |
[Jan. 18th, 2006|03:16 pm] |
“Do not prostitute thy daughter, to cause her to be a whore; lest the land fall to whoredom, and the land become full of wickedness.” (Lev 19:29)
Do I look like the sort of man who goes to whores? I told Gentian when I got home that I hadn’t decided yet if I’d let her visit the Scalara girl and for a moment I thought she would defy me the way Alastor does.
But Vieira’s Dylan is a steadying influence on Alastor. My son has been much better behaved in these last two weeks than he has been all summer. I have not had the chance to talk to the child at length, but he seems to be of good character, even if he is a Papist. He is polite, deferential, and yet willing to stand up for himself; he rightfully hates the Germans and Japanese. Of course, he is uncommonly pretty but the boy so far does not show any signs of being ill-used and for that I thank the good Lord.
Mrs Scalara is utterly infuriating. The War Bureau is welcome to her. |
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| August 10th, Anno Domini 1942 |
[Jan. 7th, 2006|01:18 am] |
“For thy name's sake, O LORD, pardon mine iniquity; for it is great.” (Psalms 25:11) |
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| August 9th, Anno Domini 1942 (Second Entry) |
[Jan. 4th, 2006|03:58 am] |
“Let the iniquity of his fathers be remembered with the LORD; and let not the sin of his mother be blotted out.” (Psalms 109:14)
I loved my mother. How could I not? She loved me. I was the only thing she loved, the only thing she had of her own that Lady Leffoy could never take from her. And she never did. I don’t know why I told Vieira. We were friends once. I loved my mother, but I was relieved when she died. I wished to forget that time less for the sorrow of her death than for the shame of lacking true sorrow.
My mother was not a good woman, for all that she was pious. But if I cannot love her despite all her sins what right do I have to call myself a Christian? |
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| August 9th, Anno Domini 1942 |
[Dec. 28th, 2005|09:48 pm] |
“And the destruction of the transgressors and of the sinners shall be together, and they that forsake the LORD shall be consumed.” (Isaiah 1:28)
My father still hasn’t returned from his den of debauchery. I am sure he is lying insensible on Dashwood’s ballroom floor. That infernal old man is so full of hell-fire that I am surprised he has not spontaneously combusted.
All things considered, perhaps it is best that Heloise and I greet Vieira when he arrives with Alastor and his boy. |
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| August 5th, Anno Domini 1942 |
[Dec. 10th, 2005|11:20 pm] |
“My harp also is turned to mourning, and my organ into the voice of them that weep.” (Job 30:31)
As bad as the funeral was, knowing for sure that she is dead is worse. Even though she is certainly better off now than in the hands of the Germans. This is Malaspina’s fault; he was supposed to keep her safe. He was a thug and an adulterer and undoubtedly a murderer, but he was supposed to keep my sister safe. If he hadn’t let that Papist bitch shrew get hold of him—
There are too many ‘ifs’ in this world. If Father had married Lady Leffoy and not my mother, if my sister had been born that way, if the Germans had got me and not Jack—
She liked him. I thought it was a miracle then. Sometimes I think she was half in love with Jack, Goyle or no Goyle. They’d never have married—he was a Squib and she needed a woman for her heir—but then my sister never loved men who were very good for her. Myself included. I cannot help but think that the better man died at Cambrai.
Alastor does nothing but stare at me these past two days. |
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| August 2nd, Anno Domini 1942 |
[Nov. 21st, 2005|03:24 am] |
My sister brother sister is dead.
I have nothing else to say and I owe it to Frank to push my way through the rest of this day.
Marcella… no, Dracaena…
May the good Lord have mercy on all our souls.
“…for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.” (Gen. 3:19) |
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| August 1st, Anno Domini 1942 |
[Nov. 19th, 2005|12:00 am] |
“So persecute them with thy tempest, and make them afraid with thy storm.” (Psalm 83:15)
Frank’s wife and children are here. He is due back any minute now. I hope Goyle’s plan works.
Father will tell me, I suppose. When this is all over. If there is anything of us left. I doubt sometimes that this will be so. I did not want to go to war again, but the war may come to us. I did not sleep last night for dreaming of the Somme.
That Squib woman of Father’s has left her grandson here. Someone will need to Obliviate him in the morning. |
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| July 28, Anno Domini 1942 |
[Oct. 29th, 2005|07:09 pm] |
“… for the people shouted with a loud shout, and the noise was heard afar off.” (Ezra 3:13)
There is no fathoming the mind of an adolescent. What in the world is constant vigilance and why has the boy decided to shout about it? It is a handy turn of phrase, though. Hmm.
…and so we must maintain CONSTANT VIGILANCE for Satan’s blandishments lurk EVERYWHERE…
Yes. A very handy turn of phrase indeed. Perhaps the boy has the makings of a clergyman after all. |
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| July 24, Anno Domini 1942 |
[Oct. 27th, 2005|03:35 am] |
“For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?” (I Timothy 3:5)
She bribed me with chocolates. I cannot believe her.
Chocolates and kisses and I relented for I knew what her kisses do to me. How is it that she shatters my control as she does? |
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| Early July, Anno Domini 1942 |
[Oct. 15th, 2005|02:18 am] |
“How long wilt thou be drunken? put away thy wine from thee.” (I Samuel 1:14)
Having drunk the fruit of the vine (or whatever was in those bottles) for the first time since my wedding, having become well intoxicated for the first time since my brother's… I now remember very well why I have been abstaining all these years. Even now, my head feels as if it has been padded with cotton. It was much worse this morning.
I have Casaubon to thank for not getting into more trouble than I could deal with. He impresses the boy, which I wish he didn’t. I think he is still moral enough to keep his perversions away from children, but you can never tell with sodomites. I know that too well.
Whatever possessed me to go drinking with a mob of them anyhow?
I miss him. |
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